It All Began with the Paparazzi
by Murposifly
Summary: Follow Albus, Rose, and Scorpius's adventure around the world as Rose performs dark magic, Scorpius is either the nicest or the scariest person in the world, and Albus is the most bland and annoying character in history. Warning: This is a crack!fic.


Albus's POV

If there's one bad thing about being the son of Harry Potter, it's the paparazzi. I run into the alley way with Rose and Scorpius trailing after me."Paparazzopizzeriacus!" Rose shouts, turning all the paparazzi into pizza.

"Seriously Rose?" I say, exasperated. "Our parents were in that crowd. And I really don't want to eat- SCORPIUS!" I turn to see Scorpius eating one of the closest pizzas. "That's could be our parents!" I yell at him.

"Are you a cannibal or something?"

"I guess," Scorpius says through bites of pizza. "But you could just say I'm hungry."

"Florean Fortescue's is right there," Rose says exasperatedly, gesturing to the shop down the road. Scorpius wrinkles his nose.

"I don't like ice cream," he says.

"WHAT?!" I scream at him.

"WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE. SHUN!" Rose screams at him. He frowns.

"But, friendship is magic! Are you turning into a muggle?" Scorpius asks. I punch him, hard in the nose.

"OW! What was that for!" Scorpius screams in pain. I can hear distinct m***. I turn to see the streets to start populating with people again. I put a disillusionment spell on all of us. I feel myself go through a wind tunnel as Rose Apparates us back to who knows where. We turn up in a random field with a dragon snarling at us. I hear people roaring and a large group of people in armor with and spears come charging towards us. We Apparate again. We end up on a flagpole.

"Really?" I complain. "This was the first place that come to mind?"

"I'm sorry, I panicked!" Rose says, embarrassed. "I used to spit on this pole when I was angry. It calmed me down."

"That's disgusting, " Scorpius states. I just take a giant step away from the pole, which makes me fall off of it, not that I would have been able to stay up on it much longer, because all three of us were teetering on that one pole.

"Ow," I rub my sore butt. "Your butts are too big, there was literally no room for me up there!" Rose gracefully leaps down from the pole, Scorpius awkwardly following her.

"It's a flagpole, Al," Rose sighs, "They're not meant to be sat upon."

"Says the person who apparated us there," Scorpius retorts for me.

"I heard you say 'Apparate' in lower-case," Rose narrows her eyes at him.

I ask, puzzled, "How do you say things in capital?"

"LIKE THIS!" Rose yells into my ear.

"Ow, woman! You're like a banshee!" I say, rubbing both my sore ear and butt. Today is turning out to be my Injury Day. I get one roughly once a week.

"I AM NOT LIKE A BANSHEE, AND YOU WOULD DO WELL TO REALIZE THAT!" Rose screeches (like a banshee).I decide to change the subject. People are staring at us.

"Where did you learn that pizza spell, anyways?" I ask.

"From 'The Wonders of Pizza'. It's in the Hogwarts Library." she says immediately. I give her a weird look.

"So where did you think of that weird dragon place we randomly Apparated to?" Scorpius asks.

Rose waves a hand. "It's the dragon-trainer camps, for learning to become a dragon-trainer. They were doing teamwork routines, I think. Uncle Charlie took Albus, me, and the cousins there once."

Scorpius gapes. "Lucky! The coolest place I've ever been is a fancy-shmancy party with my parents. And believe me, it wasn't fun."

"I have to agree with Scorpius with this one. I don't like dragons." I say, backing away from the fence.

"Um, mate, the dragons aren't even here." Scorpius blinks at me.

"They are now," Rose says smugly. Scorpius slowly turns around and gapes at the giant, raging dragon behind the fence directly behind the flagpole. It literally had just appeared there, which meant...

"ROSE!" I yell. "What is it with you and obscure, probably illegal spells?! Where did you even get that dragon from, anyway?" Rose calmly wrinkles her nose at me.

"Don't you know anything? I thought you two were Ravenclaws too. Obviously my spell pulled it from somewhere else, probably one of the nearby Romanian dragon-trainer camps. Did you ever have to answer the Ravenclaw knocker's riddles? Or did I answer them for you two?"

I ignore her comments, except for one. "Er, exactly how far is the nearest dragon-training camp?"

"Only about a kilometer or two away, which is within range of most of the complicated summoning spells I know."

"Rose, you have got to get away from those illegal books. Actually, just stop going to Knockturn Alley." Scorpius is still staring at the dragon, which is currently snorting hot gas at us.

"But Knockturn Alley is just so interesting!" Rose complains. "Do you know how much knowledge that place holds? I think I've learned at least fifty ways to kill someone with Wingardium Leviosa from that place."

"And why woul- Well I see your point there." I say. "But why do you need 50 ways when you can learn a few and then leave?"

"Are you seriously asking me that question?" Rose says, with a completely surprised face.

"But seriously! You're not George's minion. You aren't the newest prankster to the family. That is Lily's job. Not yours." I argue.

"Guys. We should probably leave. NOW." Scorpius says behind us. We ignore him.

"Pranking is fun. If you weren't a carbon copy of Hermione at least personality wise, you wouldn't be like this! And it doesn't even make sense! Hermione is my mum, not yours!" Rose says, screaming.

"WELL PRANKING IS UNACCEPTABLE IF YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK!"I scream louder.

"BEING SELFISH NOW AREN'T WE?" Rose says, louder then me.

"GUYS WE HAVE TO LEAVE." Scorpius tries to scream louder but it fails.

"YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT. YOU KNOW THAT? AN IDIOT." I scream.

"OH NO. IDIOT."Rose says.

"GUYS. WE HAVE TO LEAVE." Scorpius tries again. We glare at each other, tuning out Scorpius.

"THE DRAGON WANTS TO EAT ME!" Scorpius says in our faces. We tune him out.

"You're the stupid one." Rose says.

"And I'm in Ravenclaw and where are you? Gryffindor." I counter. She pulls out her wand and throws a hex. I block it. We are in a full on war now with flashing lights and explosions. We hear a scream. We also ignore it.

"GUYS HELP." Scorpius says, as one of the hexes hit him.

"That's what you get for getting in our way," Rose snaps, as he gets attacked by enchanted thumbtacks. The dragon's head reaches down, arching over Scorpius, (but, he screams anyway). The dragon looks at Rose and opens his mouth. Rose falls to the floor with a thud.

"SHE'S DEAD!" I scream, while violently shaking her.

Suddenly she wakes up and screams, "THAT DRAGON HAS THE WORST BREATH IN THE WORLD."

"Great," I say. Now she looks furious, as if what the dragon just did has hit her.

"It's time to use my under-appreciated skills to get rid of the dragon I summoned." She throws a quick glare my way. The hex that hit Scorpius finally wears off. Scorpius gets up, takes one look at the dragon, and screeches while climbing up Rose's spitting flagpole.

"DO SOMETHING!" He yells to Rose.

"I AM!" she yells back. She waves her wand in a circle, then makes some more random geometric shapes. Apparently they meant something, because a jet of sickly yellow light shoots out of her wand and hits the raging dragon, just as the beast breaks the fence. The dragon's head splits from the middle, the giant tear streaking down to the creature's monstrous tail. The two halves fall to the ground, spraying blood everywhere.

"Scalping Spell," Rose says proudly. "Muggle origins, but used frequently by pure-blooded wizards regardless, because no one bothered to look up the spell's beginnings. Except for me, of course. Well, not really, because I went to Muggle School and they taught me it there - "

"Okay, we get it," Scorpius climbs down from Rose's flagpole (again). "Now, anyone going to help me collect all this dragon's blood? Think of all the potions we could make with it."

"The illegal potions we could make with it!" Rose's eyes light up.

"Hey, did you guys notice that my Disillusioning Spell wore off?" I inspect my arms.

"Your spell didn't work, because I Apparated us in the middle of your spell-casting." Rose rolls her eyes. "Are you blind or something?"

I open my mouth to retort, but Scorpius intervenes. "Guys, guys. That's enough fighting for today. And enough injuries. Let's hurry, Auror's are probably going to show up any minute. We're lucky we ended up in a magical village. Let's leave before the people here go crazy on us for killing a dragon."

"I'M the one who killed it, thank you very much," Rose says, clearly offended. "I spent hours learning that spell, and even more hours testing it. Do NOT take credit for my hard work."

"Fine, we won't. Now grab the blood and leave." Scorpius says. We grab scales, horns, bones, claws and blood from the dragon quickly and Apparate out. We end up in a sandy desert in the middle of nowhere. It is annoyingly hot and it looks really boring.

"Why do you Apparate us to the worst places ever?" I ask Rose, exasperated and already listless from the heat.

"It's a great place. Besides, we're only here for the magical sand so I can make the very special potion." Rose said giddily.

"Murder?" I question her.

"Yes." She says.

"Explosion?"

"No."

"Time?"

"Ten weeks."

"Deal." I say, bending down for the special sand.

"So, do I need gloves to pick up the sand?" I ask quickly, before I burn myself. Because knowing Rose, she would use burning sand.

"Nope." Rose says, slyly. I look at her suspiciously as I slowly crouch down and pick up the sand. I let the sand trickle through my fingers, noticing no burns, but once it leaves my hand I realize my skin is numb where the sand touched it.

"You need a shovel." Scorpius calls from the bottom of a hole. He pops up holding a bag of gray sand, rock and a weird green substance. He's wearing a sombrero. Rose starts laughing hysterically.

"NOT FUNNY!" I scream at them.

"We've been screaming a lot lately," Scorpius observes. "We're probably insane."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Rose says dryly. "Now, I think that's enough, so..." She grabs my hand (the one that isn't numb) and catches hold of Scorpius's magically conjured sombrero (which is tied under his neck to stay on his head) before Apparating us out. We land in front of Rose's flat, Scorpius and I falling on our butts, while Rose briskly grabs the Bag of Substance and heads inside. We get up, but I trip on my trainers and Scorpius gets stuck in some leftover green substance. We fall flat on our faces. By the time we get all the way up to Rose's flat, I have a broken nose, and Scorpius is gingerly holding his arm, which has twisted and probably broken at a terrifying angle. I kick down Rose's door (literally - the door's hinges break and everything) and march inside, Scorpius following me ("My beautiful, beautiful arm...oh, woe is me...").

"Fix this." I say, pointing to my nose and still numb hand, then gesturing towards Scorpius's goo-covered trainers and (probably) broken arm.

Rose is bustling around a bubbling potion in her solid gold cauldron, which is a strange shade of sickly yellow. She looks up at us as she dumps the magical sand in, which turns the potion a blinding

"There you are," she says, immediately zeroing in on Scorpius's twisted and possibly broken arm. She steps forward reverently.

"The potion calls for an arm...a wand arm..." she says, staring at the limb. "May I?"

"Oh, no you don't," he says, hiding his arm behind his back as best as he could. Which isn't really hiding much, considering half his arm is still sticking out because if he pulls it any further it'll snap.

"Aw." Rose looks disappointed. "Now we have to steal an arm. You do know I can just regrow your arm with another potion, right?"

"I do know," Scorpius looks sick, "But until then - which would be after the ten weeks it takes to make this potion, plus whatever amount of time the other potion takes - I would be without a precious limb. My wand arm, at that."

"Good point," Rose says. "But I still have to steal someone's wand arm," she reminds us, absentmindedly grabbing a giant spoon and stirring the potion.

"Wait, you can't multitask?" I ask.

"Of course I can multitask," She gives me an affronted look. "How do you think I got my job? I just want to make sure this potion goes to plan, it could destroy this entire building if I put even a little bit too much of something."

"Wait, you multitask as an Unspeakable?" Scorpius questions. "With dangerous objects? Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

"No more dangerous than it is for Aurors and Healers like you two," she says simply. "We're trained for the job, just like Al is trained to heal and you're trained to fight."

"You still haven't fixed us," I point out, interrupting the highly enlightening conversation.

"Shut up." Rose commands, sending a silencing spell way more powerful than Silencio at us. We sit there silently knowing the quieter we are, the quicker she'll take it off.

"Well, since I can't use your arm, Scorpius," Rose gives one more wistful look at his arm. "Here. Brackium Emendo."

Scorpius's arm immediately straightens.

"Episkey," she waves her wand at my nose, mending it in less than a second. "Reparifors," She points her wand at my hand this time. The numb feeling disappears. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"A shower should get the viridescens off you two," Rose says, dropping a few more ingredients inside her cauldron. "Oh, and - Finite Incantatem."

"The viri-what?" Scorpius immediately asks.

"The green substance on you two," Rose answers, stirring the very thick and bright pink potion. "It's basically Latin for 'green slime'. Not very original, is it."

"Right," I say, "Well, I'm off to take a shower."

After I get back, wearing the extra set of clothes I keep stashed in the guest room for emergencies, Scorpius goes to take a shower. I sit on a chair near Rose's cauldron.

"Is it supposed to look like dirty water?" I ask. "I thought this was an extremely volatile potion."

"Color doesn't say much about the potion, except for how well you're doing." Rose frowns at the potion. "It was supposed to turn that color three minutes ago, which means that I need to dice up the human wand arm before I put it in. And I have to put it in thirty seconds earlier."

I give her a weird look.

"Done!" Scorpius says. We turn to find him wearing one of Rose's muggle shirts, which said, "I Was a Turtle, But Then I Woke Up". He'd stolen my emergency shorts, the ones with Hawaiian flowers on them. Dad bought the shorts for me, but I hid them here out of embarrassment, later naming it my 'emergency shorts'.

"You look ridiculous," Rose tells him, going back to her potion.

"For once, she's right." I tell Scorpius, "You do look ridiculous."

"I didn't have a lot of options, okay?" He glares at Rose and I. "The only shirts you have that fit me are flowery and lacy or whatever, this was the only one that wasn't. And it's not like Al thinks about others when he hides his emergency clothes."

"I take offense to that," I say.

"That's my pajama shirt," Rose says.

Scorpius turns bright red. "Okay, I'll change," he mutters, leaving the room. Rose smirks at me.

"It-" she starts.

"It isn't. I know." I cut her off.

"How do you know?" She asks questioningly.

"You started with 'it'." I reply.

"I could have been saying 'it is'." she says frowning, obviously hoping I become more flustered and stupid-looking when I answered.

"You would say that?" I ask. She blushes and quickly wills it away. She sends a silencing spell my way. I sigh a noiseless sigh.

"Okay, I'm back," Scorpius reappears, this time wearing an oversized gray shirt, with the same shorts. "I enlarged it, so it might fall apart if you try to revert it," he tells Rose.

"Right," Rose says, with twitching lips. "Now, we have to go and find a human wand arm for the potion, within an hour. Think you're up to it?" We nod assent and follow her out of her flat.

As Rose passes me, she whispers out of the corner of her mouth, "Now he's wearing my pajama shirt." I stifle a snort. Suddenly a plate falls in front of us. Rose sighs as she reductos it and moves on. Scorpius looks at me for an explanation. I just shrug. Rose goes to a small cottage on the outskirts of Scotland where she sees a random wizard walking around in robes, by himself. His wand is in his right arm.

"Perfect," she says. She stuns him, and uses a cutting spell to break off his wand arm. Then she heals up the broken part and Obliviates him without releasing him from the Stupefy.

"I think Rose might be becoming the new Voldemort," I whisper to Scorpius.

"Took you long enough to come to that conclusion." Scorpius mutters as he walks past me to the man, crouching down and sending a sleeping charm his way.


End file.
